Day 13 — Dream Jobs Part II

Some jobs are to fantasize for. They’d bring me instant fame, lottery-like income, enough to fly to San Juan, Costa Rica, and drive to Quepos to see if the hot proprietor of a hotel I stayed at while married still remembers me. He’s got to be rich as hell. Speaks Spanish, too, and that would be my excuse—three months in Costa Rica to attend a Spanish-immersion course.

I suppose I could go downtown to the unemployment office and talk a poor out-of-work forklift worker to teach me how to roll my “Rs,” but I’d much rather be in the arms of a brute, self-made millionaire, even though he had acne as a teenager. Those pock marks; something I’d be willing to overlook in exchange for a lifetime of piña coladas.

The job I’m talking about is finding a rich man who wants sex, or who is having bad sex with his wife. Other women have been successful at this and cashed in.

I think I can remember them all; they made such an impression bedding preachers and politicians and then scoring modeling and book contracts, and acting roles. The first one who springs to mind is church secretary Jessica Hahn. In 1980, Hahn seduced TV pulpit Jim Bakker while he was married to big-lash gal Tammy Faye Bakker. Her affair toppled Bakker’s multimillion dollar ministry. Hahn (not Tammy) got a spread in Playboy, which paid her $1 million.

Second, Donna Rice—caught on the lap of presidential hopeful Gary Hart on a boat in Bimini in 1987. After the scandal, Rice was quoted as saying she didn’t know the difference between a donkey and an elephant. It’s that kind of intelligence that made her modeling career take off.

And I’m sure no one more than President Clinton would like to forget Monica Lewinsky, a White House intern who got his pants down. I don’t know what happened to Monica after their closet-secret encounters, other than she moved to the Big Apple to design and peddle purses.

The last two: Senate aide and sex blogger Jessica Cutler and high-class call girl Natalie McLennan. Cutler’s “Washingtonienne” blog disclosed intimate secrets about her sex life with a Capitol Hill staffer. McLennan seduced New York Governor Eliot Spitzer. Both Cutler and McLennan penned memoirs, and I’m sure other deals are in the offing.

If I’d had the foresight of these women, I would have gone to bed with the founder of Rockport Shoes (sold out to Nike, still has to be worth bazillions). I’m sure he was the richest man who ever courted me. And to think I turned him down! But staying at his pad in Aspen (by myself), even if the hot tub heater was broken, made my day.

The president of the American Stock Exchange was another rich guy after me. But I had to pay him back a few years after a sack at the Four Seasons. I could have sworn that the $20,000 check he wrote was a capital investment in my new business.

But when I sold it, he reintroduced himself as a creditor. My bum f–, er, luck. Most of the other men, including my first husband, were well off. But that doesn’t seem so bad now.

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