Day 25: I Have a Dream, Too

Dear Martin Luther King: You had a dream, and it came true! We now have a black man in the White House.

Mr. King, please come back to life: I have a dream. Get us out of this mess!

With two smart black men in the White House (President Obama would find something for you to do if you came back), I’m confident they can fix the mess my white brethrens put us in.

Since my advice is worth two cents, give me the mike. Mr. President, you’d score a lot of points with the American public if you renamed your stimulus package “Pay What You Can (and I’ll Forget the Rest).”  Let the DC Improv Comedy Club’s “Pay What You Can Night” serve as your model.

Like the comedy club’s plan, your plan could also be first-come, first-served. I’m so confident that this plan would work to prevent foreclosures that millions of Americans would descend upon the Capitol to stand in line to be forgiven and drop a few pennies in your tin cup.

To save money and in the interests of crowd control, you could use the same security plan as the Department of Homeland Security set up at your inauguration. You could also close down streets, make the masses funnel through color-coded security gates, and let loose air patrols and sharpshooters. But I’d do something to avoid another Purple Tunnel of Doom fiasco, where thousands of your followers got trapped in a tunnel because the security lines moved too slowly for them to get out in time to see you take the oath of office.

I don’t think you’ll have to worry about any of us arriving on or buying corporate jets, however. We learned a good lesson when you scolded Citicorp for buying a $50 million, 12 seater, French-made corporate jet after we paid them $45 billion from our taxes in the guise of bailout money. We’re glad Citi airheads decided to ditch the purchase after all the bad press.

But tell me, if the working poor gets caught cheating on their unemployment compensation, you wouldn’t put them in lockup, would you? You’d forgive them, right?  Just like other presidents forgave former commodities trader and tax evader Marc Rich and Illinois Congressman Dan Rostenkowski, who kept “ghost” employees on his payroll, used Congressional funds to buy gifts and traded in officially purchased stamps for cash at the House post office.


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