Day 29 — Botox, Check; Briefcase, Check

Keep Looking BeautifulI’ve decided to write a new book: Recruiters are from Mars, the Unemployed are from Earth.

I can’t tell you how many unemployment columns I’ve read in the past few weeks that tell me I need to stop going online to find a job. The recruiters who write these columns say I should pick up the phone and call my contacts, like they’ve got a job to refer me to.

Half of them are unemployed, and those who aren’t don’t always call back, making me feel as abandoned as a plant starving for water. When they do call back, I get a lot of condolences and “it will get better’s,” or they tell me how bad the economy sucks where they live.

The recruiters stress the importance of networking, but the last (and only) time I went to a networking party everyone was unemployed.

They also say to remain focused on your job search and not to apply for just anything. To me, that advice is frozen in a past time that doesn’t exist anymore.

Why not apply for anything? When your bank account is next to nothing and the mortgage is due, it might be prudent to work at something that doesn’t fit your qualifications rather than risk a late payment. If you apply and get a job that has nothing to do with your career path, you don’t need to put it on your resume. Think of it as a transition job.

Newsweek recently had some really funny ones.  The best-paying jobs involved weird but somewhat harmless, sexual but not overtly so activities.  Some people, apparently, get off watching others sit on balloons until they pop.  Craigslist had one about an elderly man who compensates women if they leave him their wet panties.  Being rich in retirement has its rewards.

And, then if you do get called for a job interview there’s always that what-to-wear question. Recruiters warn job applicants not to expose their underwear, not to wear flip-flops or shorts, and to hide tattoos. Isn’t this common sense?  I couldn’t imagine myself wearing fake nail tips with a curve so enormous that a hiring manager might think I was about to stab him, or a tie as a belt, but apparently these are some of the Top 20 Wardrobe Malfunctions compiled by CareerBuilder.com.

Recruiters should be telling older jobless professionals to get a — and I love this word — “liquid” facelift, which is a facelift without surgery and involves filling in and erasing lines with certain injection products.  We still live in a society that covets youth, so you need to look the part to get the part.

My advice: Find a dermatologist to inject Botox and/or Restylane, which fills in the creases. Despite laws against age discrimination, an employer is more apt to hire a youngin’ rather than a 50 year old with nasolabial folds, which run from the nose to the mouth (like parenthesis), not between your legs, in case there was any confusion.

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5 Responses to “Day 29 — Botox, Check; Briefcase, Check”

  1. Mariano says:

    Hi Ann,

    Very entertaining post! I found your blog in an article by Susan Todd in the Star-Ledger. I love well-written blogs, which are not always easy to find…thanks so much for sharing your experiences!

  2. gotb says:

    Hey, thanks for writing. I wasn’t sure when the article was going to come out. Tomorrow, the tender and serious side of Ann comes out — Jobs + Relationships = Expiration Date

  3. Tonoose says:

    Saw the same article in the Ledger. Am pleasantly surprised with your candor. What you need is for someone to help you find a job when there are none.

    Some people won’t hire you for a job you’re overqualified for becuase you’ll leave at the first chance. It’s so much harder for you when you have no second income to help you stave off what it happening twice as fast now.

    Here’s hoping you can hold out until you find something worthy of your talents.

  4. gotb says:

    Thanks for writing me! I hope the Ledger brings good fortune! Ann

  5. Lane Zane says:

    Agree that these networking groups usually have people who are unemployed. Just was laid off this week and find it difficult. I took my last job as I was desperate and had rent to pay. However, it was not a good match as salary was low and company wasn’t doing well. I think next time, if there is a next time I will be more careful. I think I saw the handwriting on the wall but chose to ignore it. You really need to be a detective in this job market. You need to do a lot of research before you grab any job.

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