Girl on the Brink: Surviving Desperate Times with Desperate Measures

The phone rang at 9 o’clock on a Sunday morning—an 800 number and, I thought, a solicitor. I answered the phone, and the recording began: “This is an important message from Omaha Steaks. Someone must think you’re special, because they’re sending you an order of Omaha Steaks….”

Gee, what a nice gesture. The gift, which I’m told will arrive on May 5 because of its perishable nature, must be from my Mom and Dad. I do struggle with buying enough quality food because the government only awards me $176 a month in food stamps.

Figuring out the grocery list is difficult. While I’d like to continue eating tenderloin, I feel I shouldn’t be extravagant. Hamburger would be a more prudent choice, even the organic kind. I’ve come to believe that organic is worth the higher price, because non-organic beef is pumped up with so much water that I feel I’m getting ripped off when I buy it.

I also benefit from being thin, which means I don’t have to eat too much. One of my friends has got to be over 200 pounds, and he’s always going to the grocery store.

The food stamps help, but the amount I get is out of whack with reality. President Obama, are you listening? How can a family of three survive on $176 a month? Let me run the math. According to Safeway.com, I can buy 30 cans of kidney beans for a $1.00 can (that’s one a day), and to play it safe I’ll add in four bags of the Mahatma brand of long grain white rice, priced at $2.32 for a 2-pound bag. That adds up to $39.28. Phew. That leaves enough leftover to buy extra-soft toilet paper, and a few rounds of cat food. Only the dry stuff now for them.

But the kids (I have two of them) will continue to get their chicken nuggets, grapes, Gatorade, pizza-flavored Combos pretzel rounds and pasta. A big treat for them is when I buy Breyer’s ice cream flavored with bits of Reeses peanut butter and Pop-Tarts.

I probably would get more in food stamps if my monthly income wasn’t so high. I get $1,436 a month in unemployment compensation, which the government now calls unemployment insurance. I’m not sure what it’s insuring me against, because it sure doesn’t pay the mortgage, or god forbid, an unforeseen expense.

Using food stamps is less humiliating than they were when the government issued food-stamp coupons. Back then, the coupons were colorful and stood out. If you were in the check-out line behind someone who was using them, you’d know they were poor. Nowadays, the only one who knows besides you is the grocery clerk who stands between you and that Hershey bar.

The government issues food-stamp recipients a plastic card that says EBT across it. EBT is short for Electronic Benefit Transfer, and the new name for the federal food-stamp program is SNAP, which is short for Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program, a change that became effective in October 2008, and guarantees I’ll be able to afford Pop-Tarts and other carbohydrate-rich foods. Just remember to keep $2 on that plastic card, or else you’ll need to traipse to a bad part of town and get a new one. Government rules.