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Day 48 — Trade Winds

I’ve said this before, the recession has forced me to live with my ex. We’re both jobless, for nearly seven months, and can’t afford separate places to live since our divorce. It would be easier if we didn’t have two small children, ages 9 and 11, to keep safe, fed and warm, or so it would seem. We both cherish and love their existence and are doing the best we can to protect them.

If times were different and we both had jobs, we would not be living together. It is an intolerable situation that we are both trying to make tolerable. But the physical closeness is not good for the mind. He cannot let go of loving me in his thoughts like a lover. I cannot get him to understand that I do not belong to him anymore. It is a twisted mess.

I do not belong to any man, and he has swells of jealousy when he reads my blog. I tell him not to. He sends unkindly words in email all the time. I cannot escape him, and that is another reason I escaped to Antigua for Sailing Week. Sure, I long to explore the sailor’s life and what it would mean for me if I changed mine to pursue a life at sea. It also helped me let go of my boyfriend, a sailor, whom I don’t think I’ll ever understand, and maybe that’s okay. I don’t yet know.

But I needed to bring distance between us, to look back on my life so I could look forward again. The reprieve pushes me forward like a following sea creates a “slippery” boat, which means the waves of the sea move in the same direction of the boat and speed its delivery to its final destination, if it has one.

We all have our ways of coping and starting anew. Although I do not believe that I, or any of us, can escape our problems, I can discover a new prism through which to view them. This trip has awarded me that, but I do not yet understand what I have seen. I do know that at different times I feel funny, silly or withdrawn, and sometimes I cry.

But the feelings pass but never for good, and I cannot predict the trigger points.

On this trip, one was on Sojana, a super yacht, in the around-the-island race on Sunday. On deck, the motion of the sea got to me, and one of the crew members moved me to the back in case I got too sick. She settled me with a sea-sickness pill, rubbed my back and distracted my thoughts. “Look at the colorful rooftops, the trees,” she said. She pointed to the clouds and described them. They had flat bottoms and puffy tops. “They are called trade winds and mean fair weather. Good for sailing.” As I looked at them, my emotions surfaced. I told her I wasn’t scared and shared the ache in my heart.

I passed through the pain and moved my thoughts to a quieter plane. In time, I hope to see the calling of my trade winds to give me safe passage as I make my way toward a new life.

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One Response to “Day 48 — Trade Winds”

  1. Andi says:

    Thank You. I was beginning to have one of those difficult single mom days. It’s nice to be in good company.

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