Girl on the Brink: Surviving Desperate Times with Desperate Measures

I liked it better when longtime host of the Newlywed Game Bob Eubanks (God, he’s so old now) asked four newlywed couples silly questions, like this famous “whoopie” incident that occurred during a revival of the show in 1977. Among the contestants were a couple named Olga and Hank.

EUBANKS: “Here’s the last of our five-point questions. Girls, tell me where, specifically, is the weirdest place that you, personally, have ever gotten the urge to make whoopie. The weirdest place … Olga?”

OLGA: “Ummm …”

EUBANKS: “Yes, Olga?”

OLGA: “Uh …”

HANK: “Go ahead.”

EUBANKS: “Yes, Olga.”

OLGA: “I’m trying to think. Ummm, gee Henry, what did you say?”

EUBANKS: “Hey, don’t ask him. He can’t help you out at all!”

OLGA: “Is it …in the [rear end]?”

EUBANKS: “No, no, no, no. No, what I’m talking about is the weirdest location, the weirdest place .. .”

Yo, Bob, I thought Olga understood the question.

Sex is still a universal theme on yet another revival of this tacky hit game show, thanks to ABC. In Here Comes the Newlyweds, which I painfully watched to write this entry, nine couples—one claimed to be virgins when they got married (what fools!)—answered questions posed by Pat Bullard, a comedian-turned-game-show host.

The point I’d like to make is that America’s enthusiasm for prize-related reality shows appears to remain strong during these weak economic times. If I were younger, I might even try to get on one, given the chance to score thousands of dollars. When I exited the newlywed show, the prize had zoomed to $215,000.

Through the process of elimination, one couple will win whatever the pot of money grows to. I’m sure the lucky winner could use it, especially the couple with the husband who has tattoos all over his body. I can’t imagine what he does for a living except get other people to stare at him.

One question had to do with foreplay, and the show drifted into a segment about Tantra sex (go there only if you trust About.com), which has something to do with expanding your sexual energy when you exhale like a waterfall down to your genitals. Then the show cut to a commercial for a hybrid car. The “spooning” exercise was when I turned off the TV.

I can’t blame people for making complete asses of themselves for what could amount to a year’s salary (after taxes). The ones who get on Jeopardy need to be actually smart. It also helps to be smart for Cash Cab on the Discovery Channel, which is my favorite show, hosted by hot driver and quiz master Ben Bailey.

Contestants unknowingly enter his cab and declare their destination. Bailey surprises them with flashing lights in the ceiling of his cab and announces that they’re on a TV game show. He asks them trivia questions as he drives through New York City to their destination.

For every right answer, they earn money. If they get three wrong, they lose everything. He even stops the cab and gives them the boot, just like in a real job!