Girl on the Brink: Surviving Desperate Times with Desperate Measures

I sure hope that when I grow old, I’ll be able to afford a gardener kneeler like my neighbor, Barbara, because it sure beats squatting.

Barbara has got that knee thing down pat when she weeds. If I were Barbara, I’d find a better use for it indoors while my significant other stands, holding onto his cane, or would he be propping himself up with his rolling walker? These walkers, they do come with brakes, don’t they?

Given the long duration—seven months and still counting—of not having a full-time job, I’m resigned that the garden kneeler is one of many items I’ll have to live without in my old age. Let’s just hope that my trailer, which I’m counting on to still afford, is upgraded with cushy shag carpeting.

Living with less was on my mind as I flipped through the SkyMall catalogue on a recent flight to Waco, Tex. Other items that are most definitely out include the Indoor Dog Restroom for $149.95. That contraption lets your pooch pee on artificial turf that sits on a plastic insert for “easy clean up.” Grass still seems like the best alternative, if I can get to the door on time.

But I’m more of a fem feline, so I’d feel worse if I couldn’t afford the $69.95 Adjustable Feline Scratcher Platform, which you can position at an angle or lay flat. My cats have an instinctual urge to claw at the couch, however.

I’ll also have to do without the Birdwatcher’s Motion Activated Camera for $199.95, a weather resistant gizmo that detects motion and automatically snaps digital pictures of birds. I guess I’ll just have to sit in my rocker and watch the birds for real, because isn’t that what old people do? Watch birds.

I hope that I’ll be able to afford the $99.50 foot pedestal that mounts at an angle on a shower wall so I can shave my legs. I’d really rather not have to sit on my ass with my toes near my nose. I’ll probably have arthritis.

And, I’d would love to splurge on the Palm-Frond Fan blades. Old people seem to like ceiling fans because they’re on their backs a lot–sleeping in their polar fleece footie pajamas. I think the palm leaf-shaped ceiling fan blade covers would be more visually stimulating than traditional wooden blades, and they seem like a bargain at $139.90 for a set of five. They’re also not juvenile like the black-and-white mobiles for infants, even though you’re supposed to revert to one in your eighties.

Since I won’t be able to move to someplace warm like Florida, maybe I should look into saving for the Swamp Beast Crocodile Garden Sculpture for $75. Imagine the look of surprise when neighbors see this more than yard-long croc peeking from the steps of my trailer. Or, I could add subtle sophistication to my poor status with a pair of Regal Lion Sentinals of Grisham Manor for $198. But they’d probably clash with the croc.

Boo hoo. What’s a poor girl to do?