Girl on the Brink: Surviving Desperate Times with Desperate Measures

VH1 has created a trashy takeoff of ABC’s The Bachelor, called Real Chance of Love, Back in the Saddle. (Remember, I watch so you don’t have to.)

Real and Chance are the names of two rap artists looking for love down grand canyons of cleavage. I swear the girls possess 90 percent of the world’s silicon reserves. Either God blessed them naturally, or they all got supersized.

The girls don’t go by their first names but made-up ones, such as Spanish Fly, Mamacita, Hot Wings and the Blonde Baller.

Believe me, this is not the chiffon and Bobbi Brown no-makeup look. I think they all shopped at Forever 21, a bacchanal of sleazy clothing, and found their makeup supplies at Halloween Adventure.

Hooters employs Hot Wings, and at least two admitted to making a living as exotic dancers.

But wait, there’s more.

One confesses to eating toilet paper, which she admits is a “bad habit.” But is she the TP (total package)? Another had to eat her pet cow as a kid. How horrid is that! Veal anyone?

They go through the same rigamarole as what you’d see on The Bachelor—group and one-on-one dates in the Stallionaire’s (that’s the the rap artists’ nicknames) Hollywood Ranch Mansion, followed by the elimination.

In a scene to determine if a mental connection existed between Chance and Spanish Fly, Chance invited her to his stall. But she struggled to open the door, which was unlocked. Spanish Fly asked Chance whether she should “push” or “pull.” Apparently preschool education failed her completely.

Chosen girls get a chain necklace rather than a red rose, and the loser straddles a black leather and silver-studded saddle, a not too graceful act in a micro mini and platforms. But really, I don’t think anyone expects her to be wearing chaps.

During season one, Chance didn’t find his love connection. Real did, in a Midwestern girl named Cornfed, but distance and (no kidding) a different set of values caused them to split up. Aw-shucks.

Despite the bawdy character of Real Chance of Love, the Stallionaires believe in the good luck horseshoe of love. They’re not willing to give up on it.

After 10 months of losing her job, Ann’s going to climb back in the saddle, too, and find her job connection because she’s not going to give up either. If love is part of the package, so much the better.