Girl on the Brink: Surviving Desperate Times with Desperate Measures

Habits.

They change when you’re unemployed, especially when you’re unemployed and living with your ex. Remember, bad times force people like me to do weird things, including sharing the same house but separate beds with him.

The biggest difference I’ve noticed is the brand of cereal my ex husband buys. In our kitchen cabinet, Wheaties has re-emerged as the breakfast of champions.

This might be a psychological pick. Does seeing a picture of NBA legend Bill Russell on a box of Wheaties supposed to make you feel like a champion, too? Frankly, I’d rather see a picture of actor George Clooney in a bath towel.

I understand the marketing message beyond the subliminal. But after I ate a bowl of Wheaties, I forgot its high-fiber content and had to run to the bathroom. They also don’t taste that great unless you sugar them.

I think I’ll stick with Special K sweetened with Equal, which satisfies my diet-conscious mind but not my job-hungry soul.

The one thing that hasn’t changed in the communal refrigerator is the growing collection of bottles. My ex husband is giddy with bottles of salsa, dressings, marinades, seasonings and sauces and just about anything else that screws. I mean, with a screw lid.

He’s also into beans. On any given day, I’ll find cans of baked beans, refried beans, pinto beans and garbanzo beans mixed in with the other staples. I suppose everyone has their bean moment.

Baked beans must remind him of camping, while I’d bet he eats refried beans on days he feels poor. As for the garbanzo beans, I think he thinks he’ll make hummus one day, just like he thinks of having a full-time job.

He’s also into Uncle Ben’s Ready Rice because he’s too lazy to take a cup of rice and two cups of water and boil it all together until the rice softens to an edible consistency, which is about 12 minutes.

When it’s my turn to restock the refrigerator and pantry, I always have to push his processed stuff out of the way to make room for what I consider real food. Even in hard times, I still think it’s important to eat healthy.

He’s also into sending messages. He parks the lawnmower (uncharged) in the living room to send a message that it’s my turn to cut the grass. He’s a very tit for tat kind of guy. When he retrieves a message off the answering machine, he doesn’t give me the name of the person who called. Instead, he’ll send email that says, “friendly black guy left msg on home phone for you.” Probably my therapist. He’s black, friendly, almost grandfatherly.

My ex also asks for sex (no way), buys me good wine and leaves the toilets he’s responsible for cleaning gas-station dirty.

Thank God, however. He still takes out the trash.