Girl on the Brink: Surviving Desperate Times with Desperate Measures

Making your funeral arrangements has come down to four easy steps.

Hey, why not figure this out. Unemployment affords me the time.

But I don’t need to figure out a thing—just how to pay for it when I come to the checkout screen.

Funeralwise.com has made planning for your funeral as easy as flushing unwanted goldfish down the toilet. And, if you’re like me, you can do it in the house that you share with your ex. It’s as quiet down in my basement apartment as the flush of a Toto toilet. Bye Goldie. You would have died an earlier death if my kid hadn’t rescued you from a Japanese fair in Poolsville, Md.

But back to planning my funeral. First step: Choose from one of five different types of burials, from mausoleum entombment to donation to medical science to other, which includes burial at sea and on personal property.

Let’s see. I’m going to choose “Other Interment Type” and specify “Burial at sea.” We all know what a hole in the ground looks like. I say let’s go for that plunging escape to eternity.

Step 2 asks me to choose a funeral service. My choices: Traditional, Memorial, Graveside and Interment only. Hmmm. Not sure about this one. Don’t think I’m that traditional, and memorial is too sappy. Graveside? I don’t see how that fits with being tossed overboard. I don’t understand “Interment only.” I think I’ll choose that one. I can always click the “Back” button and change my mind.

So far, my funeral costs $8,355. Who’s going to pay for that?

The “Next” screen asks me to choose “All that apply.” Embalming. DNA Sample. Out-of-town Transportation.

To be buried at sea, I’ll need to get to one. Seems like I should check “Out-of-town Transportation” since Washington, D.C., doesn’t exactly abut the Atlantic Ocean. That added another $1,000.

Now Funeralwise asks me to “Save My Plan.” But what about the pull-down menu listing the seas of the world? Don’t I get to choose? I’ve heard the Seven Seas are pretty nice. I think Funeralwise should have provided a menu of all the seas documented by the International Hydrographic Organization.

I think I’m going to skip the save my plan part and move on to something more fun, such as tomorrow’s blog entry, which will be about asking potential boyfriends for references from ex girlfriends, just like employers ask me to provide references about my relationship with ex employers.