Girl on the Brink: Surviving Desperate Times with Desperate Measures

Job-posting boards go beyond telling us who’s hiring for what.

They give us advice about how to makeover our resumes, write cover letters and prep for an in-person interview.

There always seems to be the top 10 do’s and don’ts. I spend too much time thinking about potential questions on a job application and contemplate answers for left-field questions.

Whether I know the answer or not doesn’t matter as how honest I am when answering, at least that’s what the the career-advice articles tell me. Put simply, honesty is the best policy, which means that the truth will come out in the end.

If that’s true, then why shouldn’t I fill out a job application and tell a hiring manager how I truly feel? Here’s what I’m thinking:

NAME: Ann Powers

SEX: Not in a while. Still waiting for my ex boyfriend to come back.

DESIRED POSITION: Company’s President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever’s available. If I could get my dream job, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: More than you. Starting in the $250,000 and up range plus a Ken Lewis style pension plan. If that’s not possible, pay me what the president of the United States makes and we’ll negotiate.

EDUCATION: Yes

LAST POSITION HELD: Mom for two high-maintenance children.

SALARY: Much less than I’m worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: Having sex in an airport lounge and collecting a wide range of lipsticks.

REASON FOR LEAVING: I couldn’t take it anymore.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but I’d need to demonstrate in a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER: If I had one, I wouldn’t be here.

DO YOU HAVE A CAR: I think a more appropriate answer would be do you have a car that “runs.”

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the D.C. Powerball lottery.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS: Living in the Seychelles with a fabulously wealthy man who is 20 years my junior and who adores me. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.

If YOU WERE AN ANIMAL, WHAT KIND WOULD YOU BE? Playboy bunny.

SIGN: Scorpio