Girl on the Brink: Surviving Desperate Times with Desperate Measures

Just when I thought I had the email cover letter and interview down pat, along comes a new style guide that tells me I’m doing it all wrong.

I had no idea that I shouldn’t address the interviewer by his last name if I can’t pronounce it. According to this style guide, you should “simply refer to the individual by nicknames like ‘Scout’ or ‘Champ.’

When you tout your expertise with the Internet, I bet you didn’t know that you can also use “the Net,” or “That really shitty Sandra Bullock movie from 1995.”

Ah yes, style.

Using correct style exudes professionalism, and we all want to pull that off.

You’ve heard other career counselors say that nowadays if your resume contains like one typo or grammar error it’s destined for the Recycle Bin.

That’s why I use the venerable Associated Press Stylebook. It keeps me from making bad decisions by instructing me on proper capitalization (”federal” or “Federal”) and abbreviations (”Md.” or “MD”).

Many reputable news organizations also use this style guide. Since my background hails from the news business, using the AP Stylebook fits my style like a good pair of thigh highs.

But after reading the FakeAP Stylebook, I’ve discovered nirvana. It disrupts all the rules and practically guarantees that your cover letter will stand out.

For example, in your cover letter you might have reason to impress a hiring manager by saying that you found your career as a banker in the bible (Matthew 25:27). According to the FakeAP Stylebook, you’d “always capitalize ‘Bible.’ You don’t want to get letters from those people.”

If you work for a nonprofit, the stylebook says, “Do not use ‘nonprofit’ as an adjective. Use ‘broke.’”

Other must-follow rules (for hiring managers, too):

• If you do not have an interviewees’ full title, use their most defining physical trait (e.g. “Alan Hayes, fat guy, said…”)
• Use “verbal” to compare words with some other form of communication (”poor verbal skills”), use “oral” to be more popular.
• On profanity: Context is key, but if you think it may fuck shit up too badly, try to rephrase.
• You can replace S with $ any time you feel like money, playa.

When you’ve finished your email cover letter, another conundrum is deciding on the right closing salutation. The standard—Sincerely—is old and boring.

From now on, I’m following the advice of this newcomer to proper style. It says I should try these email sign offs: “I quit/ Can’t touch this/ Take it sleazy/ Hail Balgorr the Goatlord/ Up yours/ 10-4 good buddy.”

P.S. If you feel a need to mention your old boss, the guide offers this terrific bit of advice: “Use ‘quirky’ to describe potentially dangerous crazy people that you don’t want to upset.”