Day 225 — Seeking Stability

Temp for HireIs there any title lower than “temp?”

I have two feet planted firmly in midair these days because everywhere I go I am a temp. Everything in my life is provisional and uncertain. Whatever comes next is unknown, and there is just so much chaos a girl can stand before her sanity deteriorates.

I have no idea when my job might come to an end. Maddeningly, my contract is extended a month at a time. As a lowly temp, I have no health care or benefits, of course, but I am excluded even from the company email list.

This seems just cruel to me. We don’t want her to know about the Christmas Party? Ugh, just another reminder that I am hanging on there by my fingernails, just as marginal as can be.

And what they call a contract is just the thin veneer of respectability painted onto arbitrariness. In reality, the company’s execs can surprise me at any moment of any day and tell me to pack up and go. I think it relates more to the company’s financial position than to their evaluation of the quality of my work, but I don’t really know.

At what used to be my family home, my ex is trying to move me out by quietly but steadily packing up my things, one small section of the house at a time. He’s respectful with my stuff but that’s not the point.

He wants to reduce my presence in the house and push me out the door, which at one point long ago I agreed to leave willingly. Admittedly, I’ve had many schemes and dreams over the past two years to find another place to live.

All of those ideas fell through, so here I am. I left him, but I didn’t actually leave. My departure from the house is always coming soon: It just never arrives.

If I got a good job, I would find an apartment, but I don’t know when that happens.

And my refuge is my boyfriend’s house, where peace prevails. No kids and no noise. I haven’t moved any of my stuff in, to mark my territory. I’d really like to find my own place.

I wasn’t looking for a boyfriend. I expected to flit from flower to flower like a bird, sampling their sweet nectar.

But the available flowers were disappointing, so I ended up hanging out at this one flower way longer than I’d have thought. It has turned out to be the right decision and rewards me with love and stability.

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