Wed, Jan 27, 2010
Now that I’m in my 50s, and the men in my life are mostly 50 and over, I find myself periodically confronted with what are euphemistically called “performance issues.”
I am old enough to remember the word impotence, now officially banned in favor of the more neutral term erectile dysfunction. I tuned out most of this when the new ED drugs came to market. I was too young to be concerned and the advertisements contained the implied image of Bob and Liddy Dole having sex, which caused me to leap for the remote control and change the channel.
I was sure that anything that had to do with their sex lives was irrelevant for me. I was young and yummy and all I had to do was hold eye contact with a man for a few seconds too long and he wanted to f—k me. But that was then.
Today, things are different. You can talk to a guy about his expanding waistline or thinning hair. But you must never, ever be the one to say words like Cialis, Viagra or Levitra. That has to be his idea.
He won’t want you to know he’s taking one, so pretend not to notice. Once he’s taking them, you’re still not quite there. All the distractions that he used to screen out are in bed with the two of you now, including noise, stress, fatigue. He’s gone from being a life-support system for a penis in his 20s to this. When he says “honey, it’s time” then go with it.
Wear tear-off clothing or a bathrobe so you can get naked quickly. And one of the drawbacks or advantages, depending on your perspective, is that these pills give men enduring erections but don’t make it more likely they will climax. You can go down on him forever, and there is no sticky reward. It’s not you, it’s him. Or—and this is also very, very important—if you let him have your darkest, tightest places remember that when he was younger that would last a minute or two, but now he is going to be in there forever.
You will live your lives that way, like two dragonflies who f—ked and now can never be separated. It is also just plain weird to watch him walk around with a permanent hard on, like some poltergeist has taken over. I think there is also an addiction problem, too. The guy doesn’t become physiologically addicted, but he begins to rely upon the pill for psychological support, to deal with his performance anxiety as much as his performance itself.
At least there’s a pill for getting it up at home. Not so for work.
I believe a 100 percent of the population has trouble staying focused and on-task at work. I deal with this by using the drug of choice, caffeine. A few people in my office still use nicotine but not at their desk. There are also believers in those energy drinks, which I avoid like the plague.
The best way I know how to avoid Employee Dysfunction is exercise and taking numerous breaks. If only there were one medicine, such as Soma in Brave New World, that made everyone happy and productive.
Come to think of it, perhaps Cialis is my drug of choice for fulfillment both at home and at work.
If I’m getting enough sex at home, I can surely make it through the day, if only because I’m looking forward to getting home and getting some more.